Friday, July 31, 2009

J.P. Ricciardi's Blackberry on Trade Deadline Day

By

It's less than eight hours before the MLB non-waiver trade deadline, and J.P. Ricciardi's blackberry is undoubtedly buzzing with offers and inquiries about Roy Halladay. Due to advances in technology and incredible reconnaissance work, I was able to obtain and hack into Ricciardi's blackberry and actually foresee which messages he will be receiving today:

9:22am - Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstien checks in to inquire about the Red Sox' offer on the table for Roy Halladay. He's getting a little antsy because he wants to get this all hammered out so he can beat the traffic on the way to his house in the Hamptons.








9:54am - Ned Colletti of the Los Angeles Dodgers proposes a movie date to discuss trading prospects to get Doc. "Funny People" is ruled out immediately because Colletti is not a fan of Adam Sandler movies.










10:14am - Texas Rangers President Nolan Ryan attempts to use hard bargaining methods such as antagonizing players.











10:15am - Nolan Ryan immediately apologizes and assures J.P. he was just trying to use his "southern charm". Ryan also suggests that Halladay might have a better chance of throwing a no-hitter in the AL Central.









11:31am - Former Blue Jay B.J. Ryan inquires about his remaining salary so he can go overhaul his wardrobe entirely to Ed Hardy T-Shirts.











2:14pm - Just to stir the pot, New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman offers up George Costanza for Roy Halladay. Ricciardi ponders countering Halladay for Costanza/Newman, but Cashman declines.










3:42pm - Parked at the bar at the local Hooters eating chicken wings and drinking watered down beer, Roy Halladay waits out the trade deadline in solidarity. Doc asks Ricciardi to tell him when it's all over.

5 comments:

  1. Thanks for the Doc update! LOL!
    You forgot to include the email from the Phillies I think it read as:

    From: Ruban Amaro Jr.
    Subject: Lee for Doc

    We won't give you our farm, but we will give you our Rental Cy Young pitcher.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a sneaking suspicion that J.P. Ricciardi hasn't been returning Amaro Jr.'s calls these past few days, that's why the Phillies went with Cliff Lee instead.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ian, this was fucking fantastic. Loved it.

    "Ca$hman" = hype.

    And that bastard Beej keeps pestering J.P. for his loot!

    "Ned-Cot" and "Halladizzle" also were gems.

    Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Glad you like it eyeB, I just realized that The Ca$hman could be mistaken for Russel Oliver - oh yeah!

    ReplyDelete

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