Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Battle of the Beards: Jose Bautista vs. Brian Wilson


By
In 2010, opposing pitchers learned of the brute force that belonged to Jose Bautista. They may not have realized it at the beginning of the year, but throughout the season they eventually grew to fear the beard.

So you can imagine my shock when I saw some signs in the stands at AT&T Park over the weekend that said "Fear The Beard".

However, watching a few innings of the San Francisco Giant's chase for the National League West title, I observed another beard that was certainly worthy of mention: Brian Wilson's.

How could this be? As far as I'm concerned, the only beard worthy of being feared belonged to Jose Antonio Bautista. Okay, maybe Jayson Werth's too.

These two beards were arguably the best in the business in 2010, but which one is the best beard?

Well, if we're going by duration of beard, Jose Bautista wins hands down. He has been growing that thing on and off for years, and even had it in Spring Training. On the other hand, in my estimation Brian Wilson grew his beard out of necessity to distract the fans away from his horrible mohawk.

Moving onto pure size and girth of beard, the edge goes to Brian Wilson. The length and overall size rivals that of Will Ferrell's character Roger Clarvin from the Hot Tub Lovers sketch on Saturday Night Live.

I know some folks accused Jose Bautista of using PED's this season, but I say we need to test Brian Wilson for BED's: Beard Enhancing Drugs.

Also, you can definitely tell Brian Wilson used about 4 or 5 boxes of Just For Men on that beard. It's blatantly obvious that the shag carpet on his face doesn't match the drapes on his head.

Jose Bautista's beard however, is real ... and it's spectacular.

Overall, it's a very tough call, but Jose Bautista wins the Battle of the Beards ... by a hair.

10 comments:

  1. "My wife and I often enjoy a spiced meat while in the ha-tub"

    GREAT REFERENCE!

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  2. Brian Wilson doesn't even have the best beard in the Giants' pen! Just look at Sergio Romo: http://www.daylife.com/photo/02gP7Wd7Ct6qA?q=Sergio+Romo

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  3. Don't be so sure on the Just For Men beard thing. Facial hair often doesn't match head hair colour. I am very blond, but my beard has a distinct brownish tinge (with a hint of ginger).

    As a self proclaimed beard afficianado, this contest is close. If Bautista would do a better job at keeping the neck beard at bay he would win hands down. Although he would probably have to shave twice a day. The best way to settle this would be to have them both shave at the same time and compare growth rate.

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  4. Good post, Ian. And considerably less sacrilegious than my Bautista-Chuck Norris comparison.

    For me, the key question is: Whose beard grows in faster - Bautista's, or Wilson's?

    I suspect Bautista would win that race handily.

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  5. Scott, any time I can squeeze in a reference to an obscure SNL sketch, it's a good day.

    Infield Fly, wow - Romo has another sick beard, I didn't even notice that one. Thanks for the tip!

    Matt, it's tough to say - like you said, some guys have totally different coloured beards than their actual hair, but my suspicion is that's Just for Men in Wilson's beard. No way it's THAT black on it's own.

    Roberto, I'm almost certain Bautista would win a beard growing contest hands down. If he shaved at the beginning of a game, we'd see 5 o'clock shadow by the 7th inning stretch.

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  6. I'd like to add some insight to the Beard color debate, as a VERY HAIRY guy myself, I consider myself an expert (My beard growth rate would shame Bautista's)

    1. When I work/play outdoors, my hair naturally becomes sun-bleached. Since the gentleman's beard in question was likely grown after the hair, and he plays in SF, there is a likelihood that the hair has seen too much california sun

    2. As a former member of some not-so-high level sports teams, I can tell you that hair dye is not just a ladies product. Teams/teammates often do some crazy things with their hair. Why aren't we considering the idea that his Drapes have had the work done? (hint: Check out his eyebrows- It's a trick I learned to tell what a person's "real" Hair color is)

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  7. It's not the size of the beard, it's what you can do with it. JoBau wins hands down...

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  8. I think what's being discounted here is beard playing time. Wilson's beard at MOST would have appeared in 30+ odd games, whereas Bautista's beard was in well over 4 times that amount. Despite the fact that Wilson's beard is about twice the size of Bautista's, we can figure that still would equal less than HALF the amount of on-field beardage that Bautista had.
    Bautista wins.

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  9. A Saturday Night Live hot tub reference, coupled with a Seinfeld Teri Hatcher reference?

    To quote another Will Ferrell bit, as Robert Goulet talking to the goat during The Coconut Bangers' Ball, "You know me too well."

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  10. Scott, I appreciate the beard expertise and insight. In all likeliness, Wilson's beard is artificially enhanced, but the only one who knows the truth is Wilson himself and/or his hairdresser.

    Mattt, said beautifully. Well done, sir.

    sadp, Brian Wilson appeared in 70 games whereas Jose Bautista appeared in 161 games. Bautista wins in BGP: bearded games played.

    Steve G, staring contest you and me. You win - you always do.

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