Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Moustache All-Stars: The Best Staches of the First Half of 2014


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Later tonight in Minnesota, MLB's greatest stars will assemble at Target Field for the Mid-Summer Classic. A collection of baseball's elite players will unite in one location; the brightest starts under the bright lights at Target Field.

The question that facial hair aficionados will be asking is; "what about the moustache All-Stars? What about a game featuring the very best 'staches of the first half?" Worry no longer, friends. Here they all are for you in one convenient and handsome collection.



Tim Lincecum - San Francisco Giants



Of all the moustaches on this list, Tim Lincecum's is by far the best performing of the bunch. Lincecum locked down his second career no-hitter earlier this season, and did it sporting a moustache, nonetheless. Coincidence? I think not.

Considering that one third of all the no-hitters thrown in 2014 have been by men who have adorned moustaches, I'm surprised we haven't seen an onslaught of 'staches in recent weeks attempting to duplicate the same success as The Freak.

Was his mustache subtle? Yes. Was it kind of creepy? Yes? Was it effective? Hell yes.

Dale Thayer - San Diego Padres



This is actually the second appearance for Mr. Thayer on the "Best Staches of the First Half" list, the first time being back in 2012. Back then, his moustache was actually quite modest. But as you can clearly see, Thayer's moustache has grown by leaps and bounds.

It's almost gotten into Al Hrabosky territory. Throw in the bushy moustache with the Padres signature camo uniform, and it looks like Dale Thayer is ready to backwoods huntin' after the game.


Carlos Villanueva - Chicago Cubs



"Would you like a sarsaparilla with that curveball?" Carlos Villanueva's moustache is very turn of the century, and hands-down the most refined  and stylized of all the moustaches in this list.

Any man who not only has the finesse to apply moustache wax to keep this thing in tip-top shape has my utmost respect. Well done, Carlos V.


John Axford - Cleveland Indians




Over the years, John Axford has really carved out his own niche and made himself into a modern-day Rollie Fingers. Which means if he ever decides to shave his moustache for good, it's almost as if he loses part of his identity as well.

If this whole baseball thing doesn't pan out and if his Oscar predictions fail to bring in the money, John Axford could probably just throw on a candy-stripe suit and join a barbershop quartet. "Goodbye my Coney Island baby ..."


Donald Lutz - Cincinnati Reds



A relative unknown commodity and a newcomer to the list, Donald Lutz is the rookie to the group. Lutz also has the distinction of being the first MLB baseball player to be raised in Germany.

And considering his former homeland country just took home the World Cup trophy and that baseball players are notoriously creatures of habit, I highly doubt he'll be shaving this thing off any time soon.


Brett Lawrie - Toronto Blue Jays



While Brett Lawrie's moustache was fairly short-lived and short-haired, the impact of it was felt for days and weeks to come. In fact, he seemed to be fairly proud of his impromptu upper lip hair growth as clearly demonstrated by this GIF.

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